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Broken Hearts

By Juna

Photos by Awyin

Every year a mysterious affliction wreaks havoc in Azeroth: Love.
But we're not talking regular run-of-the-mill love. We're talking
instant, consuming, passionate LURRRVE! (Don't worry, it'll pass.)

Unfortunately not all of us are lucky enough to be immediately lovable. Not even during this very special time of year. Broken hearts are inevitable. Learn how to cope with our handy list of solutions. However, not all of them are safe. Choose wisely!

How to deal with a broken heart

Your own:

  • Alcohol Generally a bad idea. It makes your speech slurred and nobody can understand what it is you're complaining about. Also - alcohol can make you even more depressed.
  • Public despair / tantrums Quite liberating. Can only be done by the true drama queen. Requires practice and dedication. There is nothing more embarrassing than someone who runs out of steam in mid-tantrum just when they have attracted a satisfying amount of attention.

  • Shopping Not entirely risk free, though one of the top-rated solutions by our volunteers. Make sure that all purchases can be returned, as you will make some terrible ones. Also - make sure you don't over-spend, by giving most of your money to someone who is going out of town and will be deaf to your pleading.

  • Finding somebody to console you A good friend. Not someone who might break your heart too.
  • Finding somebody to replace the cause of your broken heart The best way to get over a man... going out with another. You risk getting your heart broken by a second guy. Not a safe venture.
  • Eating (got any of that Hallow's End or Winter Veil candy left over?) If your metabolism cooperates: great! If not: bummer. You won't be able to fit into all those dresses you bought.
  • Going on a rampage Combines well with the eating part (if your metabolism is not cooperative). Go kill some Defias Brotherhood in Elwynn Forest. Or some dragons in any part of Azeroth. Make sure you've calmed down before returning to a major city. No rampaging there!

Someone else's:

  • Alcohol Makes them hard to understand and therefore more tolerable. However, they are more likely to become annoying and they might actually puke all over you. A last resort at best.
  • Hugs Make sure your friend can handle your physical proximity. Otherwise who knows what this might trigger (see Alcohol).
  • Gently patting their shoulder The safer version of hugging someone. Add soothing noises. An occasional "There, there" is appropriate. Remember: gently. No pushing someone into their pint.

  • Taking them shoppingAs long as you don't volunteer to pay for this, all's good. Don't try to help them choose anything. They will invariably choose something horrible. But that's good. All the nice things will be there for you to pick up with no rivalry or envy.
  • Small presents Small tokens of friendship may be exchanged. Make sure they are small and not too meaningful. Nothing worse than having such a gift misconstrued.
  • Massages Can be misconstrued. You have to be good friends. If in doubt, send her to the hairdressers and him to the steed vendor. Allowing you to relax and not worry about them anymore.
  • Generally being there Sometimes people need an audience. Or at least someone they can look at while they ask such rhetorical questions as "Why me?" or "Do you think he's
    found someone new?" Never ever answer these questions. Make soothing noises. Change the subject. And if your friend decides on a public tantrum make sure you get photographic evidence, you never know when it may come in handy.

Warning! Don't set them up with someone new. You do not wish to be a social outcast because all your friends hate you for the inevitable break-up of their doomed relationships.

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