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Lady Venita's Guide To Getting A Man

By Venita

Photos by Ashdew

The sweet dance of romance! A brief guide to courting males or whatever tickles your fancy!

Man, male, stud and hunk, these words are used by women all over the globe to best describe the opposite sex. Men are utterly fabulous, to an extent of course, some men simply are not worth a lady's time! Especially if they expect you to pay for the meal!

Everyone knows that I am quite the man magnet, I hear you saying “Oh Venita, get over your sensual self” or “Here she goes again, god she so loves herself, cow”. But hark I don’t think of myself as being stunning and well dressed, I simply am not vain! I cannot stress that enough.

My article today is designed to help the everyday frumpy, over eight stone, stray blimp like lady to get herself a man or at least a good old grope!! Yes, I’m talking to you my dear reader!.

My article will be presented in steps, being the considerate woman that I am I have done this to make reading a little less difficult for you. May the joys of my superior intellect and wisdom begin.


Step 1 - Maximum Exposure

Fashion, fashion, fashion!! A man loves a well dressed lady so make sure to always be at the peak of gorgeousness with a slim fitting slinky dress. Make sure to show as much skin as possible, my grandmother always told me that you should leave nothing to the imagination, that way the man has something to think about when he goes to bed.

Leave nothing to the imagination
Leave nothing to the imagination

Slinky? Slim fitting? Grandma? I hear your questions, I understand that most of you won't fit into a slinky dress, fear not for tents and parachutes are readily available for you to purchase and promptly adorn.


Step 2 - Big is Beautiful

I apologise in advance if any of you are offended by the somewhat “controversial” subject of breasts, from what I have seen most women have bee stings for breasts. I suggest that the less well endowed lady should stuff her bra with a few chicken fillets or a fist full of toilet paper (only quilted toilet paper, any other brand will chafe). This will be of great benefit to gaining the man's attention, just make sure you remember to turn the lights off before you remove the bra in front of the gentleman!

Bigger is better
Bigger is better

*Please note that I Lady Venita do not promote or condone the use of bras.

Step 3 - Fascinating Pheromones

“He was drawn to me, as if I were a most tempting manure and he was a most passionate fly drawn to my alluring scent” (Venita’s Biography, page 18, chapter 3)

Have you guessed what this point is about yet? That’s correct this point is tackling the sensitive subject of “Dubious Odours” I will treat the subject with as much respect as I possibly can, I know a lot of you stink like gawd knows what so I shan't be too crude or offensive!

Men can get away with smelling awful because it’s all part of their attractiveness! I love waking up to the sweet smell of sweaty man love every morning, a woman however simply cannot pass off the smell of incontinence or B.O as attractive! If you too wish to enjoy the most pungent delight of morning male, make sure to wear only the most expensive perfume. When shopping for perfumes one must only buy the most expensive available oh and make sure it is at least 5% urine, I find these scents drive men wild!

Make sure your perfume is at least 5% urine
Make sure your perfume is at least 5% urine


Step 4 - Assertive Action

Now if you’ve taken note of the previous steps then you’re pretty much ready to go out there and get that man! Make sure to take a club-like weapon, I suggest a club, you’ll need to use this when the man turns his back, just smash him in the back of the head (it may take several hard blows for certain men to fall to their knees, this is where your aerobics and boxercise training will pay off) and he’s yours for the evening or for as long as you wish to keep your man captive.

It may take several hard blows for certain men to fall to their knees
It may take several hard blows for certain men to fall to their knees

So that’s all there is to it, it really is that easy! I do hope my short guide has been of much use to my dear readers, I would have added a few more steps but I’m running late as it is, I have a date with Henry Schwab, wish me luck ladies!


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